THE BEST [AND WORST] OF THE MSA NEWSLETTER MAGAZINE SECTION

For a number of years the MSA Newsletter has had a magazine section to rival the "Sunday Times". It has featured a series of frightful anecdotes and jokes, some with an aeronautical flavour.

This part of the MSA website lists the best (and worst).

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What’s the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red, has a wonderful scent and thorns on the stem?'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and called 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A man starts his new job at the local zoo and is given three tasks... First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees


•1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
•2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
•3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
•4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
•5. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
•6. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
•7. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
•8. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
•9. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
•10. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
•11. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
•12. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
•13. Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
•14. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?


•AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful
•ALITALIA - Always Late In Takeoff And Luggage In Amsterdam
•CA (China Airlines) - Choose Another
•DELTA - Departing Even Later Than Anticipated
•EAL (Eastern) - Eastern's Always Late
•EL AL - Every Landing Always Lousy
•JAT (Yugoslav Airlines)-Joke About Time
•KLM = Koop Lockheed Majesteit (Buy Lockheed, Your Majesty), after the Lockheed bribe scandal which involved HRH Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands)
•LOT (Polish Airlines) - Luggage On Tarmac
•LUFTHANSA - Lunch Unavailable For THere Are No Stewardesses Aboard
•PA (Philippine Airways)- Please Avoid
•PIA (Pakistan Intl. Airline) - Panic In Air
•QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards
•SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bad Experience, Never Again
•SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive
•SAS (Scandinavian Airline System) - Sweet And Sexy
•SIA (Singapore Intl. Airline) - So Incredible, Aaaah
•TACA - Take A Chance Airline
•TAP (Portuguese Airlines.) - Take Another Plane
•TWA (Trans World Airlines) - Tiny Wings A’flappin
•USAIR - Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the dish, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around beforethe lid slams back down. Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He as he reaches for it again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'My mistake, I bring you Peeking Duck!'

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:
• Artery: The study of paintings.
• Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium: What doctors do when patients die
• Benign: What you be after you be eight
• Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome
• Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
• Coma: A punctuation mark.
• Dilate: To live long.
• Fester: Quicker than someone else.
• Fibula: A small lie
• Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
• Morbid: A higher offer.
• Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
• Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
• Post Operative: A letter carrier.
• Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
• Rectum: Nearly killed him.
• Secretion: Hiding something.
• Tablet: A small table.
• Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumour: One more for me and one for you.
• Urine Opposite of you're out.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. Descending a bit more he shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am'.

The woman replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground, between 40/41 degrees north latitude, and 59/60 degrees west, longitude.'

'You must be a middle-grade civil servant', said the balloonist.

'I am', replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well', answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my trip.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be a rather senior civil servant'.

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'But how did you know?'

'Well,' replied the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault'.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on his radar, the local Air Traffic Control asked him "What was your last known position?" The student replied: "When I was number one for takeoff."

On the 60th anniversary of the end of WW2 it is perhaps appropriate to recall that many citizens of neutral Ireland joined the RAF during the war. There was a Lancaster pilot from Limerick who had a flight engineer from Cork in his crew. They were on a raid over Germany, fires were burning on the ground as far as their eyes could see. Shells were bursting around their aircraft, some so close they could smell the cordite. All this did nothing to stop them arguing among themselves until one shell put a hole through the wing. At that point the pilot turned to his fellow countryman and said "Well one ting, Paddy, we can at least tank De Valera for keeping us out of this bloody war".

Like most nations, the Irish have their own airline. Air Fungus (the name was changed some years ago from Air Linctus) is a small but well-run unit, and they even operate 747's. All airlines have their own liveries. Air Fungus paint the top half of their aircraft emerald green (what else). On one occasion BO Airways was short of a large aircraft so they leased a spare Air Fungus Boeing 747 Jumbo for a week. When the time came to return the jet, one of the BO Airways crew stuck a note on the captain's control wheel which said "Fly green side up".

US Airways announced yesterday that they'll stop giving out free bags of pretzels on domestic flights, a move that will save them $1 million a year. Transatlantic passengers, who can get hungry during an 8-hour flight, will still get a bag containing, oh, four or five mini-pretzels. They're not alone in trying to save money. Last month Northwest Airlines stopped providing magazines and pretzels, while Delta, American, and Northwest have quit offering pillows. In related moves, United is eliminating pilots on all domestic flights under four hours and Continental is making passengers walk to their destination.

The scientists at Royal Aircraft Establishment, Farnborough (now QinetiQ) built a gun for firing dead chickens at hypersonic speed to simulate bird strike. It was used, under a collaborative memorandum of understanding, by Boeing during the development of the American [then] top secret experimental F-22 Raptor - Supersonic Stealth Fighter [see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbJrDP4-I9k ] . The Americans, having conducted their tests firing dead chickens at the windscreen and engine intakes, were very concerned to discover that their prototype fighter was a write-off. This should not have happened according to their calculations and computer modeling. They complained to RAE, explaining their tests and putting all the blame on to the British gun for firing the chickens at too high a velocity. RAE sent an email back explaining "Next time defrost the chickens!"

Our religious correspondent has told us the following story.
A lady who had to travel a lot by air in connection with her business was a nervous flyer so she always took her bible with her to read as she found it helped her to relax. One time she found herself sitting next to a man whom when he saw her pull out her bible and start reading, gave a little chuckle and asked:
"Do you really believe all you read in there?";
"Of course" she replied;
"Well what about that man who was swallowed by a whale?" he said;
"Oh you mean Jonah yes I do believe that";
He then asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that long time inside the whale?";
"Well, I don't really know but when I get to heaven I will ask him" she replied;
"What if he isn't there?" the man asked sarcastically;
"Then you will be able to ask him yourself" she said.

A man jumps out of an aircraft with a parachute on his back. As it opens he discovers that the chute is badly tangled and it fails to open properly. He does not know anything about parachutes in this condition but as the earth rapidly approaches he realises that his options are very limited, so perhaps unwisely he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The air is ripping past his face, he is dropping like a stone but at 5,000 feet another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the parachutist looks up and yells "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes". The man shooting up looks down and yells "Sorry, afraid not, do you know anything about gas cookers?".

There was this BA 747 aiming for a major Indian airport and the captain radioed he expected to reach their airspace boundary in twenty minutes, to which the controller replied, 'Roger, you are cleared over the Bravo Alpha beacon at 2,500 feet.' Five minutes later, the captain of a Lufthansa jet contacted the same controller and said he was due to arrive at the same time as the BA flight. 'Roger,' replied the Indian voice, 'you are cleared over the Bravo Alpha beacon at 2,500 feet.' The BA captain heard this in disbelief, so he protested, 'What goes on down there? You've just cleared two 747s over the same beacon at the same height!' There was an embarrassed pause, then the controller said, 'Oh goodness gracious looks like being another day like yesterday.'

Thought for the day: "All of us who build and fly model airplanes have a common heritage. A heritage which harks back into time when man first defied gravity by tossing a leaf over a cliff and watched it join the eagles soaring above." (Frank Zaic).

C-Nile Virus Warning. It seems that there is a new computer virus called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot detect. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1944! Symptoms of C-nile Virus: it causes you to send the same e-mail twice; to send a blank e-mail; to send an e-mail to the wrong person; to send the same e-mail back to person who sent it to you; to forget to attach the attachment and to hit "SEND" before you've finished writing it.

Proposed notice for Fish Meadow: THE MSA ALLOWS YOU TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Gossip column: When St. Pancras takes over from Waterloo as the terminus for Eurostar trains, on the completion of the UK section of the high speed London Paris rail link, it has been learnt by your editor that it will be renamed "Agincourt" Station.

The following are written log reports by pilots (P) and the replies by ground maintenance engineers (S)

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.

(P) There is a noise like a midget with a hammer behind the RHS instrument panel.
(S) Hammer removed from the midget behind the RHS instrument panel.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to "straighten up", "fly responsibly" and "try to be more serious".

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, we just saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of runway 27."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 702 we've already notified our caterers."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206, recently took place.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do not you know to where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never before been to Frankfurt?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was very dark, and anyway I didn't land."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. " Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? " she asked. " No, thanks," replied the vultures. " They're carrion."

Tower: "Air Lingus 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles".
Air Lingus 351: "Give us another clue, we all have digital watches."

Tower: "TWA 2341, turn right 45 Degrees for noise abatement".
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "TWA 2341. Sir, have you ever heard the noise a TWA 747 makes when it hits a United 767?"

... whilst inside the cabin
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger then asked a flight attendant, "What, exactly was the problem?";
Flight Attendant: "The pilot was very concerned by a noise he heard in the number two engine; it took us almost an hour to find another pilot."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

Patient: "Doctor I seem to be getting smaller";
Doctor: "You will just have to be a little patient".

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside";
Doctor: "How's that?";
Patient: "Don't you start."

Patient: "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
Doctor: "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home";
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome";
Patient: "Is it common?";
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, James cried all the way home in the back of the car. His father asked him what was wrong. Finally, the James replied "The Rector said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I just want to stay with you and Mummy"

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's a total moron!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " Well, tell me the girl's name please".
"Denise" says the doctor.
The new mother thinks to herself "That's not a bad name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "And now tell me what is the boy's name?".
The doctor replies "Denephew".

A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Never go to a doctor whose plants in the waiting room have died.

And finally....no experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

A student pilot had an engine failure and successfully landed in a field. He called up the club house on his mobile and gave his position to the CFI, who said he would come straight over in a spare aircraft and pick him up. The Instructor saw him parked neatly by a gate in rather a small field and reasoned that if the student could land there so could he. He performed a textbook short field landing ending up unfortunately buried in a hedge at the end of the field. On extricating himself from the brambles, he asked the student how on earth he had managed to land in such a small field. "Oh, I didn't ", he replied, "I landed in the big field through that gate, and taxied into here to give you more room!".

A blonde gets on a TWA 767 in Miami and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move back to the tourist class because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave but she repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying put in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co- pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her allocated seat in the rear of the tourist cabin. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what it was he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replied "I just told her that the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

Fifteen minutes into the flight from London to Dubai, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "Another engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, this aircraft can fly on two or even one engine". An hour later the captain announced, "A third engine has just failed and our arrival will now be delayed by another three hours, but don't worry, we still have one engine left and we can still maintain altitude at a reduced speed." A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose that one, we will be up here all day!"

A woman took her very limp duck to the vet. She laid it on the examination table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, has passed away." The distressed owner asked "Are you sure?", "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she exclaimed, "I mean, you haven't done any testing or anything. He might just be in a coma." The vet turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the woman looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out. He returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat then sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, absolutely 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced the bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£100" she cried, just to tell me my duck is dead!!". The vet explained "I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's £100."

While taxiing at Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a recently landed United 727. An very irate female ground controller berated the US Air crew "US Air 2771,where the hell are you going? I told you to turn left on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on to Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between a C and a D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rant to the embarrassed US Air crew, she continued: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take me forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, roger ma'am," the humbled Captain responded.
Naturally, the ground control frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her mood. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (this time in English):"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why in English must I speak?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautifully polished English accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check flight. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
What's that for? asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time, as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was difficult as the ground was very hard and stony. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament thus: "Dear Vincenzo, I am feeling pretty low because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato crop this year. I am getting too old to be digging the hard ground. If only you were here my son, you could dig the garden for me. Your loving Papa".
A few days later he received a letter from his son on prison notepaper: "Dear Papa, Please do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Your loving son, Vinny". At 4 am the next morning the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love , Vinny".

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on his radar, the local Air Traffic Control asked him "What was your last known position?" The student replied: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Conversation overheard between three elderly MSA members who were flying on Table Hill. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?". Second one replies "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's stop flying now and have a beer.

Sunday morning in September last year, Bill was driving up from Somerset on the M5 going to the LMA Model Show at Much Marcle. He goes every year taking his mates, all getting on a bit now, but at least they will be spending their kids inheritance on useful things like model kits, radio gear, balsa wood and the like. His mobile phone rings, I know you shouldn't answer it, but it was his missus, she had heard on the news there was some nutter driving the wrong way up the M5 near Bristol and she was anxious to warn him. "Your telling me", he replied, "it's not just one - there are flipping hundreds of the maniacs."

Three MSA members comprising a GP, a priest and an engineer climbed to the top of Table Hill only to find there were a group of fliers never seen before occupying the slope. The engineer interrogated them and found they were using all the frequencies they normally used. 'They appear to be using some strange radio control gear' said the GP. 'Not to worry, lets sit it out for a while and meditate' said the priest. After 30 minutes the engineer was annoyed, meditation had never been his strong point so he went over to investigate. He returned fuming, ' Apparently they are scientists from QinetiQ together with some blind guys from St Dunstans trying out this telepathic radio gear wired into their brains so they visualise flying the planes in their minds. They said they are going to be flying for some time.
'Isn't technology wonderful these days' said the GP, 'I know an ophthalmic surgeon, I shall have to have a word with him to see if he can do anything for them. 'In the meantime' said the priest, 'I shall pray for their sight to be restored'. The engineer, who was just about to blow a gasket, responded 'Why the hell can't they ruddy well fly at night?'

Letter to his parents from their son away attending scout camp somewhere in Wales:
Dear Mother and Father, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are all OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the hills looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh by the way, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got cross at Adam for going off alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we started. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance any more. We think it's a really cool bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the roof. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He did let us take turns riding in the trailer too until a policeman stopped us and talked to him. Keith is a great chap. Don't worry, he really is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching young David how to drive on the back roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are the Forestry Commission logging trucks.

This morning most of us were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast; it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster with us, so he let us take the canoe out instead. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Keith isn't fussy like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any hassle. Guess what? We have all passed the test for our first-aid badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I both threw up, but Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they all used to get ill that way with the food they ate when he was inside. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he learnt quite a few new ways of not getting found out while he was doing time. By the way Dad, what sort of a tool is a pedal file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer, pills and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are all fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the warm of the Scoutmaster's tent. Love from your son, Jim.

A blind lady was flying from Glasgow to London. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Birmingham due to fog. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except the lady who was blind; her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her. The pilot approached her and said, "Madam, may I help, we will be here in Birmingham for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to lift one of his." Picture this: All the people in the transit area saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! He was even wearing sunglasses. They rushed to the transfer desk; they not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

When discussing a mutual modelling acquaintance recently he was described to me as “Totally obsessed with lager”. How come?” I asked, the reply was “Well you see he has 4 ex-wives and a foster child”.

A test pilot climbed out of an experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in a crash landing. The crash truck arrived, the rescuers asked "What happened?". The pilot replied: "I don't know, I only just got here myself!"

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." [Infantry Journal];

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over an area you have just bombed." [U.S. Air Force Manual];

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." [General MacArthur];

"Tracers work both ways." [An infantry small arms manual];

"Five second fuses only last three." [Infantry Journal];

"If you see a bomb disposal expert running, follow him.";

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.";

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.";

"When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.";

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies.";

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.";

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!";

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.";

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." [Sign over squadron ops desk];

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.";

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." ;

Flying in the 60s.
Air Hostess (before take-off)
“Would you like cotton wool or boiled sweets”
Passenger:
“Cotton wool please, the sweets always fall out of my ears”.
Air Hostess:
“Here you are”
Passenger:
“Thank you - delicious”.

Gravity explained:
Albert Einstein got prepared;
Took a “c” and had it squared;
Multiplied by “m” - that’s right;
“e” by gum - the speed of light.

Last Sunday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage to load up my models, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph and it was raining. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day so I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife replied,
'Can you believe it, my stupid husband has gone flying in it'.

A blonde called Delta Airlines and asked,
"Can you tell me how long it'll take for me to fly from San Francisco to New York City?".
The agent replied,
"Just a minute."
"Thank you" she said, and hung up.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport ... After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
The moral of the story is this: when you are young and foolish speed and flash may seem a good thing! But when you get older and smarter comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

 

AND ALSO A CHERRY CAKE RECIPE WHICH HAS PROVED TO BE VERY POPULAR.


THE ULTIMATE CHERRY CAKE Serves 8-10.

INGREDIENTS:

150g/5oz self-raising flour;
75g/3oz plain flour;
3 tbsp ground almonds; 175g/6oz French Glace Cherries;
175g/6oz butter, softened;
175g/6oz caster sugar;
3 eggs, beaten;

FOR THE TOPPING:

50g/2oz French Glace Cherries, halved, rinsed and dried;
2 tbsp demerara sugar.

THE COOKING BIT.


1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4. Grease an 18cm/7in round loose-bottomed cake tin and line the base with a sheet of greased grease proof paper.
2. Sift the self-raising and plain flours together into a large mixing bowl and stir in the ground almonds and cherries with a wooden spoon.
3. Cream the butter and sugar vigorously until the mixture turns pale and fluffy. then gradually beat in the eggs. Fold in the flour mixture with a metal spoon. Spoon the mixture into the prepared tin and level the surface.
4. Make the topping: combine the cherries and sugar, then spoon over the top of the cake. Bake for between 60 and 75 minutes until well risen and a skewer inserted into the center comes out clean.
5. Leave to cool slightly in the tin for 10 minutes then turn out on a wire rack to cool completely.

Oh, I have slipped the surley bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sun-lit silence. Hov'ring there
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft along,through footless halls of air;
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never a lark, or even eagle flew.
And while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.


John Gillespie Magee, Jnr.

"For once you have tasted flight, you will walk the Earth with your eyes turned skywards; there you will have been and there you will long to return ......" Leonardo da Vinci.

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