THE BEST [AND WORST] OF THE MSA NEWSLETTER MAGAZINE SECTION

For a number of years the MSA Newsletter has had a magazine section to rival the "Sunday Times". It has featured a series of frightful anecdotes and jokes, some with an aeronautical flavour.

This part of the MSA website lists the best (and worst).

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on his radar, the local Air Traffic Control asked him "What was your last known position?" The student replied: "When I was number one for takeoff."
On the 60th anniversary of the end of WW2 it is perhaps appropriate to recall that many citizens of neutral Ireland joined the RAF during the war. There was a Lancaster pilot from Limerick who had a flight engineer from Cork in his crew. They were on a raid over Germany, fires were burning on the ground as far as their eyes could see. Shells were bursting around their aircraft, some so close they could smell the cordite. All this did nothing to stop them arguing among themselves until one shell put a hole through the wing. At that point the pilot turned to his fellow countryman and said "Well one ting, Paddy, we can at least tank De Valera for keeping us out of this bloody war".
Like most nations, the Irish have their own airline. Air Fungus (the name was changed some years ago from Air Linctus) is a small but well-run unit, and they even operate 747's. All airlines have their own liveries. Air Fungus paint the top half of their aircraft emerald green (what else). On one occasion BO Airways was short of a large aircraft so they leased a spare Air Fungus Boeing 747 Jumbo for a week. When the time came to return the jet, one of the BO Airways crew stuck a note on the captain's control wheel which said "Fly green side up".
US Airways announced yesterday that they'll stop giving out free bags of pretzels on domestic flights, a move that will save them $1 million a year. Transatlantic passengers, who can get hungry during an 8-hour flight, will still get a bag containing, oh, four or five mini-pretzels. They're not alone in trying to save money. Last month Northwest Airlines stopped providing magazines and pretzels, while Delta, American, and Northwest have quit offering pillows. In related moves, United is eliminating pilots on all domestic flights under four hours and Continental is making passengers walk to their destination.
The Boffins at RAE Farnborough (now QinetiQ) built a gun for firing dead chickens at hypersonic speed to simulate bird strike for the American top secret experimental billion dollar fighter. The Americans, Having conducted their tests firing dead chickens at the windscreen and engine intakes, were very concerned to discover that their new fighter was a write-off. This should not have happened according to their calculations and computer modelling. They wrote a letter to our Boffins at RAE, explaining the tests and putting all the blame on to the British gun for firing the chickens at too high a velocity. The Boffins sent an email back explaining "Next time defrost the chickens!"
Our religious correspondent has told us the following story.
A lady who had to travel a lot by air in connection with her business was a nervous flyer so she always took her bible with her to read as she found it helped her to relax. One time she found herself sitting next to a man whom when he saw her pull out her bible and start reading, gave a little chuckle and asked:
"Do you really believe all you read in there?";
"Of course" she replied;
"Well what about that man who was swallowed by a whale?" he said;
"Oh you mean Jonah yes I do believe that";
He then asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that long time inside the whale?";
"Well, I don't really know but when I get to heaven I will ask him" she replied;
"What if he isn't there?" the man asked sarcastically;
"Then you will be able to ask him yourself" she said.
A man jumps out of an aircraft with a parachute on his back. As it opens he discovers that the chute is badly tangled and it fails to open properly. He does not know anything about parachutes in this condition but as the earth rapidly approaches he realises that his options are very limited, so perhaps unwisely he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The air is ripping past his face, he is dropping like a stone but at 5,000 feet another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the parachutist looks up and yells "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes". The man shooting up looks down and yells "Sorry, afraid not, do you know anything about gas cookers?".
There was this BA 747 aiming for a major Indian airport and the captain radioed he expected to reach their airspace boundary in twenty minutes, to which the controller replied, 'Roger, you are cleared over the Bravo Alpha beacon at 2,500 feet.' Five minutes later, the captain of a Lufthansa jet contacted the same controller and said he was due to arrive at the same time as the BA flight. 'Roger,' replied the Indian voice, 'you are cleared over the Bravo Alpha beacon at 2,500 feet.' The BA captain heard this in disbelief, so he protested, 'What goes on down there? You've just cleared two 747s over the same beacon at the same height!' There was an embarrassed pause, then the controller said, 'Oh goodness gracious looks like being another day like yesterday.'
Thought for the day: "All of us who build and fly model airplanes have a common heritage. A heritage which harks back into time when man first defied gravity by tossing a leaf over a cliff and watched it join the eagles soaring above." (Frank Zaic).
C-Nile Virus Warning. It seems that there is a new computer virus called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot detect. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1944! Symptoms of C-nile Virus: it causes you to send the same e-mail twice; to send a blank e-mail; to send an e-mail to the wrong person; to send the same e-mail back to person who sent it to you; to forget to attach the attachment and to hit "SEND" before you've finished writing it.
Proposed notice for Fish Meadow: THE MSA ALLOWS YOU TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Gossip column: When St. Pancras takes over from Waterloo as the terminus for Eurostar trains, on the completion of the UK section of the high speed London Paris rail link, it has been learnt by your editor that it will be renamed "Agincourt" Station.
The following are written log reports by pilots (P) and the replies by ground maintenance engineers (S)

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.

(P) There is a noise like a midget with a hammer behind the RHS instrument panel.
(S) Hammer removed from the midget behind the RHS instrument panel.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to "straighten up", "fly responsibly" and "try to be more serious".

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, we just saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of runway 27."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 702 we've already notified our caterers."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206, recently took place.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do not you know to where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never before been to Frankfurt?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was very dark, and anyway I didn't land."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. " Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? " she asked. " No, thanks," replied the vultures. " They're carrion."
Tower: "Air Lingus 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles".
Air Lingus 351: "Give us another clue, we all have digital watches."
Tower: "TWA 2341, turn right 45 Degrees for noise abatement".
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "TWA 2341. Sir, have you ever heard the noise a TWA 747 makes when it hits a United 767?"
... whilst inside the cabin
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger then asked a flight attendant, "What, exactly was the problem?";
Flight Attendant: "The pilot was very concerned by a noise he heard in the number two engine; it took us almost an hour to find another pilot."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Patient: "Doctor I seem to be getting smaller";
Doctor: "You will just have to be a little patient".
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside";
Doctor: "How's that?";
Patient: "Don't you start."
Patient: "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
Doctor: "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home";
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome";
Patient: "Is it common?";
Doctor: "It's not unusual."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, James cried all the way home in the back of the car. His father asked him what was wrong. Finally, the James replied "The Rector said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I just want to stay with you and Mummy"
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's a total moron!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " Well, tell me the girl's name please".
"Denise" says the doctor.
The new mother thinks to herself "That's not a bad name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I like the name Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "And now tell me what is the boy's name?".
The doctor replies "Denephew".
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!

Never go to a doctor whose plants in the waiting room have died.

And finally....no experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
A student pilot had an engine failure and successfully landed in a field. He called up the club house on his mobile and gave his position to the CFI, who said he would come straight over in a spare aircraft and pick him up. The Instructor saw him parked neatly by a gate in rather a small field and reasoned that if the student could land there so could he. He performed a textbook short field landing ending up unfortunately buried in a hedge at the end of the field. On extricating himself from the brambles, he asked the student how on earth he had managed to land in such a small field. "Oh, I didn't ", he replied, "I landed in the big field through that gate, and taxied into here to give you more room!".
A blonde gets on a TWA 767 in Miami and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move back to the tourist class because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave but she repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying put in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co- pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her allocated seat in the rear of the tourist cabin. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what it was he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replied "I just told her that the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Fifteen minutes into the flight from London to Dubai, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "Another engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, this aircraft can fly on two or even one engine". An hour later the captain announced, "A third engine has just failed and our arrival will now be delayed by another three hours, but don't worry, we still have one engine left and we can still maintain altitude at a reduced speed." A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose that one, we will be up here all day!"
A woman took her very limp duck to the vet. She laid it on the examination table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, has passed away." The distressed owner asked "Are you sure?", "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she exclaimed, "I mean, you haven't done any testing or anything. He might just be in a coma." The vet turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the woman looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out. He returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat then sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, absolutely 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced the bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£100" she cried, just to tell me my duck is dead!!". The vet explained "I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's £100."
While taxiing at Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a recently landed United 727. An very irate female ground controller berated the US Air crew "US Air 2771,where the hell are you going? I told you to turn left on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on to Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between a C and a D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rant to the embarrassed US Air crew, she continued: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take me forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, roger ma'am," the humbled Captain responded.
Naturally, the ground control frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her mood. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (this time in English):"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why in English must I speak?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautifully polished English accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

AND ALSO A CHERRY CAKE RECIPE WHICH HAS PROVED TO BE VERY POPULAR.

 

THE ULTIMATE CHERRY CAKE Serves 8-10.
INGREDIENTS:

150g/5oz self-raising flour;
75g/3oz plain flour;
3 tbsp ground almonds; 175g/6oz French Glace Cherries;
175g/6oz butter, softened;
175g/6oz caster sugar;
3 eggs, beaten;

FOR THE TOPPING:

50g/2oz French Glace Cherries, halved, rinsed and dried;
2 tbsp demerara sugar.

THE COOKING BIT.

1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4. Grease an 18cm/7in round loose-bottomed cake tin and line the base with a sheet of greased grease proof paper.
2. Sift the self-raising and plain flours together into a large mixing bowl and stir in the ground almonds and cherries with a wooden spoon.
3. Cream the butter and sugar vigorously until the mixture turns pale and fluffy. then gradually beat in the eggs. Fold in the flour mixture with a metal spoon. Spoon the mixture into the prepared tin and level the surface.
4. Make the topping: combine the cherries and sugar, then spoon over the top of the cake. Bake for between 60 and 75 minutes until well risen and a skewer inserted into the center comes out clean.
5. Leave to cool slightly in the tin for 10 minutes then turn out on a wire rack to cool completely.

 

"For once you have tasted flight, you will walk the Earth with your eyes turned skywards; there you will have been and there you will long to return ......" Leonardo da Vinci.

To return to the home page [Click here]

 

[Validated HTML 4.0]